The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
