I want you more than these girls want KFC
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
