I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Randomize
