ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
