dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
