had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
