i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
