if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Found your dick twin last night
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
