You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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