roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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