everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Be still, my beating vagina.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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