My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
