Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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