im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
