Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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