My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
