the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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