This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
