im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
