I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
