Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
