So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i was born a porn star she said
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
