Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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