I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
