I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
