I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
