I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
