I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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