he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
