sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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