just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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