when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
