the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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