he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
