So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
