the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
