God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
