i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
