Pants 0. Shit 1.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
