last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
