I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
