someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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