I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
