I wish my penis had an off switch
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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