i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
