Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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