I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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