I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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