literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
