you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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