i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
