i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
True strength comes from lack of pants
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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