Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
