I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
