I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Jerry, you need to find god
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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