Pappa wants mamma naked
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
